When a Marriage Falls Apart.

This past season of my life has been about learning how to cultivate ease and softness in the moments where my first instinct is to brace against the pains of living.

In a way it's been a long series of rigorous training in the art of devotion. I’ve been gaining a new awareness + perspective on what it means to be truly devoted not only to motherhood and family life, but to myself.

There are many moments that have been hard…bringing the kind of relentless pressure that bears down without mercy, challenging you to break under its weight. At times I felt entirely suffocated by my daily routine.

The endless cleaning, cooking all day, soothing babies, meeting the emotional needs of myself, my kids, and my husband, working to maintain my marriage, making money, nurturing my friendships…and in the midst of it all, simply just trying to find the time to sit down with a good book, and drink my tea while it’s actually hot.

loving my role as the overly dedicated mother, while also being in need of some serious restoration

I tried many times to push through the extreme overwhelm for the sake of order, for the sake of balance, for the sake of survival…but with my back aching and my knees buckling, I knew I was coming too close to collapsing under this immeasurable weight of life and motherhood.

Frantically, I looked for many ways to try and lighten the load. To free myself of at least some of the responsibilities that seemed to continuously grow and grow, threatening to crush me entirely.

My marriage, imperfect, and flawed as any (and perhaps the weakest link at the time) was the first on the chopping block.

The circumstances felt dire, I felt trapped, cramped, aching in the confines of the too-small life I’d created for myself… and there, in the darkest corners of my mind the Ego stood waiting, its hand outstretched, beckoned me to follow it.

“Here is a way to free yourself,” she said.

As I stepped into the grand boardroom of my mind I saw that my emotions, imagination, thoughts, and Ego were all gathered to usher me through a presentation of all of the things that were wrong with my relationship… All of the hurt that hadn’t been soothed, the recent lack of connection between the two of us, all of the wounds that were left unattended (I was even shown a few old ones that I could reopen if I really wanted to).

My logical mind said, “Yes, look at all the maintenance you would have to do here just to have a happy marriage! You could lighten your load significantly if you didn’t have to put so much time and energy into this. Besides you’ve been with this one person your whole adult life, don’t you want to know what it feels like to just be on your own again?”

This resonated with a deeply starved aspect of myself, which had been yearning to be nourished beyond the boundaries of marriage and motherhood. Who was Sydney, and what did she want?

That question alone could unravel the very fabric of my reality as I knew it.

Feeling vulnerable and quite desperate, I indulged in the glimmers of freedom that my mind had laid out for me. And, for the first time in weeks I felt embers of hope rise up in my chest as I pondered the possibility of it all.

Riding the waves of clarity and excitement that came from this newfound hope, I felt highly optimistic in my visions of how it could all play out. I saw everything working out for the highest good of everyone involved. And maybe in retrospect, I was possibly a bit deluded about how simple it could all be.

I thought to myself, “Yes, all I need is some space for a few months, that would be just enough time for me to get myself and my life back together. That would be enough time for me to breathe, to exhale without this impossible weight. That would be enough time for me to step out of the intensity of the fire, to finally be free of all the heaviness.”

Well naturally, what *actually* happened was not at all as smooth or straightforward as I had imagined. In fact it was not at all pleasant. It was not pretty. It was not simple in any way.

My request for space, a break, a pause, whatever you may call it…created much confusion. For some time a great rift opened between us, and left me questioning and second guessing myself even more than I was before.

It was a conversation that held implications too large to be digested and fully understood just in one sitting. And with two little ones at home + all the fullness of our day to day life, this conversation that was supposed to be *simple* ended up spanning the course of many, many weeks.

It was like an earthquake that cracked the very foundation of my marriage as I knew it.

In the aftermath of it all, things began to quickly spiral out of control. There was a subtle energy of formlessness that found its way into our union. It felt like I had opened a great void, a gateway into the realm of the unknown.

bringing my grief before the collective altar, December 2025

Without a doubt there were so many things that needed to change about my life, about my marriage, and how much I was taking on in the home, but I saw clearly that the one thing that didn’t really want to change was my marital status.

Don’t get me wrong, I definitely needed more time to nourish myself, and allow for the unfolding of my identity as Sydney the WOMAN, and not just Sydney the Mother. I definitely needed to establish some boundaries, and lay my people pleasing habits to rest so I could avoid being in a constant cycle of burnout.

But…

I didn’t need a break from my marriage to do any of those things. In fact, what I felt deep within was that beneath all the layers of my doubt, what I truly needed was not to be apart, but to come together in an entirely new way.

Things were spiraling out of control, but maybe that wasn’t a bad thing. Maybe losing control is exactly what I needed.

So I allowed myself to release the tight grip I had on all the loose ends of our marriage. Now they were fraying around wildly, showing me all these gaps and holes that needed to be mended in the tapestry of our relationship.

As I looked down through all the empty spaces, I saw that the foundation I was standing on was one that was built by my 18 year old self.

the summer we met, August 2018

The foundation built by the girl I was back then, was far too weak to sustain the largeness of the woman I had become. I was now a woman who knew who she was, who was not afraid to use her voice, to take up space. I was a woman who knew how to comfortably rest in her fullness.

And as the veil was lifted from my eyes, I saw clearly the man that my husband had grown into. A devoted father of two, deeply self aware, reverently in tune with the divine, walking his own path of unfolding, loving and desiring to hold my heart with all the tenderness and care in the world.

oh how much we’ve grown, winter 2025

I sat with myself over the course of many weeks, just taking it all in. Marinating in the unknown of it all, recognizing that the power of choice was entirely mine…and it had been all along.

So I did what any Spirit led, introspective woman would have done. I sought out the advice of Spirit.

In turn, I was guided to The Spirit of Intimacy, a small but mighty book that has been pivotal in my coming home to self.

As I began unearthing gems from the pages of this little novel, I found myself exposed to ideas and concepts around community, partnership, and romance that I’d never seen or considered before.

The paradigm shifts that ensued in the coming weeks revealed to me that although I am an intentional woman, I was not bringing the full power of my intentional practice into my family structures, systems, and routines. I also recognized that my husband and I had a greater purpose together than just raising our children. The two of us were meant to birth babies and so much more into this world. I had lost sight of that unified purpose that drew us together like magnets.

I felt tremors rippling out in the soil of my mind as seeds of greater perspective were rupturing open and taking root.

I found clarity surfacing up within me, and noticed myself rising back up into a higher place of consciousness where I could see the full picture of our reality and mission, that spans across many lifetimes. It was then in that moment that I fully realized that this catalyst for change in my marriage was not born solely from Ego.

I saw that the hands of Spirit were ushering me along in the whole process, leading me towards the fire of purification and calling me to dive head first into the flames. The deep work of life, marriage, and motherhood are not easy by any standards. Much of the journey is about surrendering, and simply accepting that discomfort is a part of the process. Then, when the time is right, we can step back and allow ourselves to marvel at the diamonds that have formed from all that relentless pressure.

So, where is my marriage now you ask?

Well if I’m being truthful, I can’t say that we’ve gotten things all figured out. And yet, here I am sharing my process and the realness of my life with you in real time. Former versions of myself, would have waited until I had some big conclusion or profound climax that tied it all together, and wrapped up the whole experience in a neat little box…Pretty to look at, easy to unwrap and admire.

But I’ve come to see that sometimes the greatest wisdom and medicine comes from being able to relate to the raw humanness of one’s life. To see parts of yourself in the authenticity of another. To know that you are not doing it alone.

And so, my husband and I are redefining marriage on our own terms. Still trying to balance parenting two babies, making time for each other, nurturing connection + intimacy…and we surely are not experts. But that’s a part of what makes the whole adventure of life so exciting and beautiful, right?

So here’s what I know for now.

Things at times may be challenging, they may be triggering, they may be messy…but we are continually choosing to be anchored in love, in respect, in trust. We are continually choosing to grow together, to realign with one another, to be unified by the same intention and vision.

And in this moment, the love that we share and our collective hope for a beautiful tomorrow is the thread that ties us together against all odds.

stepping into our fullness, spring 2025