Madness and Ecstasy

The pendulum swing of motherhood.

A grand pendulum swing between ecstasy and sheer madness. That is exactly what motherhood has felt like for a long, long time.

Having a second baby changed everything in ways that I hadn’t anticipated. I’d be lying if I didn’t say that over the course of this last year navigating life and motherhood had become progressively more and more challenging.

Being so needed by these two little people began to take its toll. I found my patience and energy wearing thin, I was easily becoming frustrated and overwhelmed, and soon I was snapping at my husband…playing less and less with my daughter.

In my mothering I felt unrecognizable to myself. Where was the woman with endless compassion? Brimming with understanding and playfulness?

I began to feel like an absolute failure as a mother, particularly with my 4 year old, Veya.

Something in our dynamic had shifted since her brother was born, and I was cluelessly trying to put things back where they used to be…scrambling to repair things with her without much luck.

My intense feelings of guilt, shame, and frustration were reinforced by thoughts like, “You’re an awful mom” and “Veya deserves better than what you’re giving her”…

Self talk like this was swirling in the back of my mind for months, eating away at me like a parasite, until its power grew, and nearly destroyed my confidence + self-esteem entirely.

I felt like I was hitting rock bottom in my mothering…I had never felt so confused and frustrated.

And I just could not take it any more.

A few weeks ago I decided that what I really needed was to make the space to just sit with myself. But of course as a mom, when do I ever have the time to sit and be uninterrupted? So I compromised, and while I went about my full day, brimming with endless motion, I sat with myself internally for a long time…processing my life, and quietly observing the mother I had become.

What I saw more than anything was an immense desire to be deeply present, patient, and caring in every moment. This deep innate yearning was not matching up with many of my thoughts and actions.

The verdict was in, I was not living up to the ideals I held for myself and my children in my head. I knew in my heart that my family deserved a better version of me…that I deserved a better version of me.

And with the admission of that raw and honest truth the full picture came into completion, and everything hit me all at once….

Within the landscape of my inner world I felt a gem of clarity being unearthed, pushing its way up to the surface of my mind. At last when it emerged, I heard these words calling out from the seat of my soul,

“Sydney, can’t you see? You have become your own worst enemy”

Like a punch, these words struck me deep and low in my gut, and although it stung, I knew in my bones that this was the truth of my mental scape.

I took a breath, and rubbed my fingertips across the creases that were now etching a valley of tension between my brows.

How had I allowed myself to get so wrapped up in the endless judgments and criticism of my mind? How had I become so careless and neglectful with myself?

I had let these seeds of doubt, guilt, and shame go unchecked, and suffered greatly by allowing them to take root within me.

I had forgotten that these thoughts were not *me*…that the harsh emotional words of my ego do not define Me or Who I Am.

And finally for the first time in a long while, I felt that my spirit and my ego had come to terms with one another.

I saw myself clearly as the deeper self that exists beneath the judgments, thoughts, and emotions. The eternal being that does not live at the mercy of my temporary mind.

In this moment of (re)membering, I felt all my power, all my clarity, and all my strength flood back to me.

I knew with pure conviction, that within my heart lives a great mountain….Unshakable, calm, and steady. A living embodiment of peace that lies in the core of all I am.

Now, regaining my awareness, I recognized that I must tend to my own inner garden to allow joy, compassion, and peace to flourish. So, I planted a new vision within myself, and uprooted the destructive self talk that had dominated my life for the past several months.

I was reminded yet again, that the deep work is a daily practice, that clarity must be cultivated. That deep work is true devotion.

Becoming your own greatest ally is a life long process.

So my dear ones, after coming home to Myself again, have I become the perfect mother?

No.

But is perfection really what I’m striving for? Also no.

There is great purpose in my children standing witness as I pull myself out of darkness and up into the light again. I have been gifted the opportunity to serve as a living example of resilience, trust, and devotion for these two little people. What could be more valuable than that?

The path may not be easy, but each day I am learning to navigate the journey with greater and greater ease.

I am finding my way, leaning into grace, and steadily returning home with each cycle and season in the spiral of life.

And I wouldn’t have it any other way.